1) Trick-or-Treat their whole lives.
(Bonus points if you leave the gray hair and wrinkles alone and go as an old person.)
2) Ride in a shopping cart.
(Two words. Dwarf Jousting.)
3) Check out people’s butts without looking like a perv.
(Hey, not my fault your tush is at my eye level.)
4) Blame farts on the dog.
(Just cuz that smell came from floor level does not automatically make it mine.) *It helps if you have a dog.
5) Go under those stretchy barricades at the bank, concert, wherever.
(Sorry officer, I thought I felt something brush my head but didn’t know what it was. OH. That was supposed to keep people out? Ooops, my bad.)
6) Wear 5 dollar stretch granny shorts as dress slacks.
7) Get lollipops from the bank drive through or toys from the dentist’s “kids box”.
(Don’t judge me! I have a thing for stickers.)
1/2) Write lists like this. Neener.
1) Farts at face level.
(Whatever you people are eating… STOP!)
2) People touching you and saying, “Are you real?”
(No, I’m a flashback. You obviously did way too much acid.)
3) Trying to find shirts that fit that DON’T have puppies, sparkles, unicorns, cartoons, or the words “Daddy’s girl” on them.
4) Your spouse being asked, “And what will your daughter be having?”
(Your freaking job on a platter.)
5) Conversations like.
Me: “I’d like an Irish Coffee please.”
Staff: “Oh sweetie, that has alcohol in it. Would you like a Shirley Temple instead?”
Me: “Only if she’s bringing me a friggin Irish Coffee!”
6) Not being able to get routine medical tests because in some situations one size DOES NOT FIT ALL. (Ladies, you know what I’m saying.)
7) Having the height on your driver’s license wrong because the options don’t go down that low.
1/2) Being able to write lists like this. Sigh.